It was 12 years ago today that I got married to Jordon in Saskatoon. There has been a lot of great days along the way but this last year has been a hard one. Like I wrote a couple of days ago, this year has been a train wreck for me and Jordon has paid quite a price for living in the vicinity as I have imploded time and time again.
This year was really hard. Since Oliver has been born I have been getting more and more depressed and spending more and more of my life in a fog. We would try a depression medication, the dosage would increase, they would increase it again, I would ask Jordon for a divorce, we would change medications, I would tell Jordon how much I hated being in the room with him, increase in medication again, I stopped talking to Mark somewhere along the way, medication was increased yet again, I moved into an alternative reality, I started compulsively lying to Jordon, became a little paranoid, medication changed again, more hatred for Jordon and Mark and so on.
Finally Jordon had enough and I found out how hard I could push him and I was asked to move out which I blamed on him being stressed at work (ignoring the fact that during this time, he was walking to and from his work so he would spend less time around me and he wasn’t stressed out when I wasn’t there). He finally made as a condition of me staying here that I had to go back to the doctor (I had started skipping appointments) and see a qualified therapist who could deal with me.
The first step was being weaned off the medication and I just fell apart. I think it was at that time that I started to see what Jordon and Mark got to see. I don’t know why the blinders came off then but the started to. Now that I am on Celexa I am starting to feel a little better. It is a little disconcerting to see that it is for serious depression sufferers but as Jordon dryly said, “The stuff for minor depression and anxiety sure wasn’t working.”
The second step was understanding that somewhere along the line that I become so introverted under stress that Jordon, Oliver, and Mark stop existing. I was talking about this with Jordon today and I was talking about being an introvert and he reminded me that what I start to do is no being a introvert, it is a survival mode I move into under stress.
The third step is really hard to accept but I have no ability to think critically. When I say that I can’t, he is what doesn’t happen with me.
Critical thinking calls for a persistent effort to examine any belief or supposed form of knowledge in the light of the evidence that supports it and the further conclusions to which it tends. It also generally requires ability to recognize problems, to find workable means for meeting those problems, to gather and marshal pertinent(relevant) information, to recognize unstated assumptions and values, to comprehend and use language with accuracy, clarity, and discrimination, to interpret data, to appraise evidence and evaluate arguments, to recognize the existence (or non-existence) of logical relationships between propositions, to draw warranted conclusions and generalizations, to put to test the conclusions and generalizations at which one arrives, to reconstruct one’s patterns of beliefs on the basis of wider experience, and to render accurate judgments about specific things and qualities in everyday life.
In other words, I tend to not make good decisions under fire and that is hard to take. Jordon joked with me that I am the opposite of being an “idiot savant” but rather I am competent in many areas, just not critical thought. Some people can’t juggle, I can’t think critically (or juggle now that I think about it).
I don’t know if I am going to get better at this or not. I hope I do but for now my life at home works better if I have some structure. I work well from a list. At night Jordon and I agree on tomorrow’s list and then we talk as he is leaving in the morning. My name isn’t Earl but my to-do list is pretty important to me. It also keeps from freelancing which is pretty important. The big thing about keeping the list is that I have a thought through plan of action. When it’s not on the list, it could be an experience in chaos and chaos comes naturally to me.
Speaking of lists, Jordon gave me a four pack of lists for travelers from Chapters/Indigo. I have lists for packing, planning a vacation, day trips, and sending Mark to camp. The gift is a bit of a joke as I do a horrible job of packing for the lake so maybe this will give me some order.
Since going through this, I am coming to grips with some of what I have said and done over the last couple of years. A couple of people have told me that it was bad enough that they suggested to Jordon he get a divorce. It makes me think to look back at the last couple of years and I am glad that Jordon and I are still together.
For our anniversary today, we had hoped to celebrate a bit but Oliver not doing well, we went to Chilli’s and had an absolutely horrible meal (52 minutes to get our food and it was cold when it came out) and I tried to go out and get Jordon something. That didn’t go so well at first but I managed to humor Jordon and Mark a bit.
I am so thankful today that we are all together and I promise that next year will be better.