Well after this last week’s meltdown and disaster, things have changed for me.  I am back on some medication.  One of the joys of my form of depression is that the medication stops working after a period of time.  I don’t know why that is but it is.    It stopped working and I never realized it had.  For some reason I stopped taking it which made it a lot worse as the medication family that I am on is strong enough that “cold turkey” is not a great option when quitting.  It also affects my life when I start taking a new family of drugs.

A bunch of people have asked me, why I never just went to my psychiatrist or psychologist.  Well first of all, I have never been able to see a psychiatrist.  I spent several years on a waiting list to see on and it never happened.  I have a good clinical psychologist but when things go well for a period of time, my file gets closed out and I have go back to a referral through my family doctor.  My family doctor is good to talk to and he can nuance my medication which is often all I need.

Everyone asks me if I am better or worse now.  The truth is the depression is worse but Jordon is better at getting us through it.  He isn’t alone, some good friends have been there through all of it but in the end it is Jordon that keeps us going.  It’s tough for him because the advice, even from professionals is contradictory but over the years he has found a balance between keeping the family functioning when I am self destructing and still keeping me involved in the family.  

People ask me how Jordon keeps going and I am not sure.  Generally at the time he needs a break, I am at my weakest.  He says he reads more to escape and will go and pick up a PS3 game to play to clear his head but most of it is just pure will to keep us going.  Things have changed as Lee has gotten older.  He takes Mark to his place in Warman quite a bit and him and Jordon head out for breakfast which provides a bit of a break for everyone.   Lee is family and has seen my boughts with depression so he understands me as well.

As for my family… well a couple of weeks ago I read the ten things you need to say to someone with depression and the ten things you should never say.  They have never said one of the things that you should say and have said six of the ten things that you should never say to someone with depression.    My dad told me a decade ago he didn’t want a relationship with myself or Mark and so I don’t think my father has ever really cared about it and my mom only wants to hear and read happy things (so Marsha if you are reading, feel free to stop right now, I’ll post about puppies and bunnies later and avoid the reality of my own life so you can feel better about never being around).  They have long been part of the problem and never part of the solution (and after a life of experiencing it, I have given up hope it will be different).

There has been some return to normal.  We will see how long the anti-depressants work this time.  My brain dysfunction seems to be on a six month or so cycle so hopefully it works a little longer than that as it takes a big toll on those closest to me, even if I am not aware of it.